the entire basis of faith is that it is built on nothing at all

i was on my flight back a week ago and was suffering from killer insomnia, and so decided to pick up Sophies World and flip to kierkegaard. (yes, i know sophies world probably barely scratches the surface but the bonafide kierkegaard book could cure even my killer insomnia)

so this is how i understand kierkegaard's ideas:

there are two possibilities to reaching god: objectivity or faith. looking closer, because man cannot grasp god objectively, man must have faith if he is gonna be a good christian. man suffers a loss of religious fervour and passion if he is purely an "objective" christian with no faith, because he would not really have made a choice to glorify god; he would not have made the leap.

faith therefore, is the only way to believe in god, and religiousity is so overwhelming that it is an either/or. one can only either take it, or leave it. no half-measures like believing in god because you have found proof for him. either throw yourself into the abyss like god desires, or youre not really a believer.

i know im only a xiao gin na but it goes further than that doesnt it? if the decision on religion is so huge, all measures (such as an objective pursuit of god) should be taken to reach the right conclusion.

that raises the question: can there ever be enough proof for god? if there was a god, will he want to be proven to exist ? obviously not or he would have let that happen a long time ago. the whole point is that god, if he is there, wants us to take the leap of faith, or not believe at all.

but thats just not good enough for me. some will say that im missing the point of christianity, that belief has to be part of a leap of faith. but i cant bring myself to take that leap. why is this notional god's ego so huge that he has to have people stake their entire life on a jump into the dark?

itd be easy to say "i choose/reject christianity because i choose/refuse to take the leap of faith" but that would be a massive cop-out to myself. in the absence of any other order, objectivity stands: the only way i will worship god is if i can be objectively certain that the bible is true.

shades of raving atheism there, but im no atheist; i want to look for the truth in the most practical way, not in a blind leap into nothing.

there are always more questions: have i considered other religions? what if "god" was just a pantheistic impulse that did not have a consciousness and an ego like the god of the bible, yet was the first mover behind the wonder of life? what if life is itself the first mover, and itself holy? what if life just is? why do these questions even matter?